Monday, April 28, 2008

It did not happen in India

Crikey she’s cold out there tonight.

I might let her in.

Big news today not, as you so often find with these stories, from India but in fact from Austria, also known as Germany Lite. Now I only heard the bare jist of it on the wireless and I don’t want to go prejudicing my already-formed opinion by checking any facts but it seems some dude (dudenkauf) kept his own grown-up daughter prisoner in his cellar for twenty-odd years and, yes you knew it was coming, sired seven children by her, six of which survived to be rescued recently.

Talk at work turned to what one does with these children now? The consensus seemed to be give them some shoes and send them on there way.

“Off you go then. What? Oh that, that’s the Sun, generally a good thing, goes away at night, rises in the…what? Night? Ok, you better sit down, there’s a few things we need to go over.”

Lots to cover there… photographs don’t steal your soul, for example. At least it’s never been proven. What if you had your photo taken more than once? Would the subsequent images have no soul-content? Perhaps it’s spread evenly, in a constantly changing average, which would be a messy system, lot’s of paperwork but who am I to question the workings of the universe?

And that’s what they will teach these kids, don’t think too much about it because it’s a pretty flimsy story to begin with and doesn’t really bear up to scrutiny. Whether we stem from an omnipotent force or the blind-fool luck of a few chemicals joining up to do the DNA tango, not one bit of this thing makes sense and never, ever, will.

Luckily there is cannabis for those having trouble swallowing it. What if you took a picture of the people on Soul Train? Would you get really good soul-content then? These people who believe in soul-stealing photography – would they pay for pictures of their enemies? Mercenary photographers raiding camps, snapping pictures in multi-burst mode, taking portraits of the men, snapshots of the women and children, anything caught in the frame. God, the colour saturation.

Anyway, I’m sure the Austrians have systems in place for this sort of thing. They’re a competent people.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Twat. It's fun, and easy to say.

I saw a show with a guy who was flogging his new invention, little strobe lights which would be set into the street, along the centre line, to warn of school zones and the like. Each little unit had it’s own solar panel for re-charging and the units could be controlled wirelessly to flash at appropriate times. The panel of judges consisted of an engineer, a designer and an architect and they questioned the inventor as follows:

Engineer: Are they sturdy enough to withstand being run over by cars?

Inventor: Yes, they use the same housing as aircraft runway lights.

Designer: Would they still be visible in bright sunlight?

Inventor: Yes, they are easily seen in bright sunlight.

Architect: Do you worry people might come and smash them with a sledgehammer? Or spray-paint them black?

Inventor: What the fuck are you sniffing? Are you too stupid to come up with a technical question of your own? Hit them with a fucking hammer? “Greta go and git my big hammer. Them shiny things is out there again.”

Go and button your cardigan, you big Nancy.

Ok that last answer was me. Architects are twats. I think his name was Brendan. I have other proof.

Sunday, April 06, 2008

in my day

What do you suppose will happen in 40 years or so when the retirement villages are full of pot smoking, heavy-metal-listening old dudes and grannies who forego the traditional secret nip of cooking sherry for half an E and a couple of bongs before their evening walk? Will the hospital staff, all born in like 2020 or some other crazy futuristic-seeming year, tut-tut them? Will the 2050’s be like the 1950’s except oddly reversed? Gangs of 80 year old men stealing hubcaps and smoking cigarettes behind the bowling alley? Will they cry things like “What’s to be done about senior delinquency?” and “who will save the aged of today from the cruel grip of Satan” and “what they need is a good whooping and an honest day’s work” and “in my day we had to push buttons to make the microwave come on” and “what’s the capital of Belgium?”

There’s some old people live around here. A lot of them. They listen to late night TV compilations like Summer Of Love, Rock and Roll Gold and Classic AM Radio B Sides of 1972-73. There’s a reason Leo Sayer is back on tour.

Another thing they do is write letters to the local paper explaining how daylight savings time is really just the Government conditioning the masses to robotically respond to all commands. Today it’s set your clocks back an hour, tomorrow they’ve got you harvesting baby organs to render for oil. Precious baby-oil.

It’s so obvious.

Too obvious.

Precisely what they want you to think. Distract you from the real issue. Which is the Government is stealing time and selling it to alien civilizations who’s time is up. That’s how the Government affords that flashy car it drives up and down the street at all hours.

Damn Government needs a good whooping and an honest day’s work.