Christmas Story

I suppose we better do a Christmas edition SJ.

They say Jesus was a carpenter like his dad while his brother Brian was an electrician. He also had a sister called Cheryl, who did hair for a while and then ran off with a smooth-talking Philistine who later turned out to be a Cretan. Anyway very little is known of Jesus’ carpenter days, the days between when he was plopped down in a manger until he started going around to parties turning everything into wine.

After his apprenticeship, young Jesus went to work with Joseph building cheap modular dwellings on land Joe had scooped up in the big recession of 12BC. But fathers and sons don’t always see eye to eye and after an argument one day Jesus cried “You’re not my REAL dad!” and ran off start his own business, building high quality crucifixes for the Roman market. “Immaculate conception, my ass” mumbled Joseph.

Jesus’ business thrived and he soon had a staff of 12 and a legion of hanger’s-on. He started living the high life, rarely showing up at the office but hanging out by the sea of Galilee instead where he threw a daily big fish fry and booze-up for everyone. “Jesus you’re cool” said Peter then pissed himself laughing until fish came out his nose. But Jesus didn’t notice for he had dropped a holy lot of Phoenician stone tablet acid and was looking over the crowd tripping “Wow…it’s like…it’s like I’m the…the…I’m the Shepard…YEAH! I’m the Shepard and they are my…sheep…no lambs, little lambs…hahaha. Fuzzy little lambs!” And Jesus did grab a stick and stumble about whacking people in the knees until he had them more or less in a circle. “Awesome”, said Jesus, and it was awesome.

At one particular gathering, a big supper, they had Lenny da Vinci come by to do a bit of a sketch and they ended up smoking some good Venetian hash he brought with him. Old Lenny went on all night about flying machines and secret codes he’d put in paintings just to fuck with people’s heads. The last thing Jesus remembered was Judas betting him a bag of coins he couldn’t carry one of his big crucifixes all the way up to the top of the hill at Calvary…

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Several days later Joseph took a walk up the hill and stopped on the spot where his son had suffered so. He looked up at the rugged cross, how the iron spikes that had pierced his boy’s wrists had split even the great timbers, such was the force of their application. “Stupid kid “Joseph said “I told him to use softwood …but what do I know. I was just his dad.”