We’ve had a lot of rain lately which, combined with temperatures in the 30’s, has made my garden go into mass-bloom. It has also done wonders for the mouse population (“hey it’s raining, let’s fuck”) and though I hadn’t seen any yet, the neighbours were reporting problems. Then my dishwasher quit, the cord was chewed where it runs under the cabinets. Bastards, that dishwasher was 4 months old. But there were no droppings and I still hadn’t seen any other signs so I plugged the hole where the hoses pass through at the back, spread some good old poison under the house and put the dog food away.
Tonight Mrs. Joe let out a yell as a “rat the size of a kitten” ran across her foot and under the dishwasher. Our real kitten happened to be sitting there and I tried to mentally fit it under the dishwasher and I discovered on crouching down there is indeed a kitten sized gap under the door which I take to be for ventilation.
“Ok, was it really kitten-size ‘cause I sort of need to know?”
“It was HUGE!”
“Because rats are sort of dangerous, they bite and have plague and those freaky tails and the same eyes as crows, whereas mice can simply be stepped upon.”
But “huge-ish” was all she would concede so I grabbed a broom and started pulling out the dishwasher. A small rat, about six inches including tail, did indeed run out, over my foot and under the fridge. This was his undoing.
The fridge is on wheels and is easy to pull out and as the real kitten was watching all this with only mild interest, I called in Jack and Jessie. They freak out simply for being allowed to come inside and once they got a whiff under the fridge I had their full attention.
Out came the fridge, out came the rat, Jack lunged, Jessie remained oblivious, Jack got hold, there was a SQUEAK, the kitten fled…and Jack, the stiff-legged, fat, old, grumpy, marvellous bastard, lost his footing on the hard floor and lost it. Jessie did a little spinning dance.
The rat pretended to run out the sliding door but I wasn’t fooled, I knew he was behind the water cooler. I got the dogs re-grouped but as we were now near the door they figured they were supposed to go out so they did… and refused to come back in (“not while you’re swinging that broom, buddy”).
I pulled the water cooler away and there he was clinging to the back like Tom Cruise. I smashed him on the head with the edge of the broom and he hit the floor and took off toward the door, slid to a stop when he saw the slavering dogs in the doorway, turned back, got broom-whacked again, plucked up his ratty-courage and rushed the dogs. Jessie never saw it but Jack got it on the way out, SQUEAK!, and he dropped it again. Then it disappeared. It landed on bare concrete and disappeared. It was six feet from anything, and then it was gone.
I went back in and it turned out the kitten had gone to summon Stumpy and the pair of them were now discussing the situation over by the dishwasher. Stumpy, in a bid to save face, meowed that there may be a mouse back there, but he knew he wasn’t fooling anyone and looked away sheepishly (for a cat).
Tonight Mrs. Joe let out a yell as a “rat the size of a kitten” ran across her foot and under the dishwasher. Our real kitten happened to be sitting there and I tried to mentally fit it under the dishwasher and I discovered on crouching down there is indeed a kitten sized gap under the door which I take to be for ventilation.
“Ok, was it really kitten-size ‘cause I sort of need to know?”
“It was HUGE!”
“Because rats are sort of dangerous, they bite and have plague and those freaky tails and the same eyes as crows, whereas mice can simply be stepped upon.”
But “huge-ish” was all she would concede so I grabbed a broom and started pulling out the dishwasher. A small rat, about six inches including tail, did indeed run out, over my foot and under the fridge. This was his undoing.
The fridge is on wheels and is easy to pull out and as the real kitten was watching all this with only mild interest, I called in Jack and Jessie. They freak out simply for being allowed to come inside and once they got a whiff under the fridge I had their full attention.
Out came the fridge, out came the rat, Jack lunged, Jessie remained oblivious, Jack got hold, there was a SQUEAK, the kitten fled…and Jack, the stiff-legged, fat, old, grumpy, marvellous bastard, lost his footing on the hard floor and lost it. Jessie did a little spinning dance.
The rat pretended to run out the sliding door but I wasn’t fooled, I knew he was behind the water cooler. I got the dogs re-grouped but as we were now near the door they figured they were supposed to go out so they did… and refused to come back in (“not while you’re swinging that broom, buddy”).
I pulled the water cooler away and there he was clinging to the back like Tom Cruise. I smashed him on the head with the edge of the broom and he hit the floor and took off toward the door, slid to a stop when he saw the slavering dogs in the doorway, turned back, got broom-whacked again, plucked up his ratty-courage and rushed the dogs. Jessie never saw it but Jack got it on the way out, SQUEAK!, and he dropped it again. Then it disappeared. It landed on bare concrete and disappeared. It was six feet from anything, and then it was gone.
I went back in and it turned out the kitten had gone to summon Stumpy and the pair of them were now discussing the situation over by the dishwasher. Stumpy, in a bid to save face, meowed that there may be a mouse back there, but he knew he wasn’t fooling anyone and looked away sheepishly (for a cat).
These pets better get their shit together or there will be no more bones from the butcher or tuna-juice from the can. Dry food and water until I see some dead mice. Check your contracts.
3 comments:
What a team!
I'm a tad concerned at the idea that mice can just be stepped on. Does not seem a good idea, really.
metaphorically speaking.
Time for an intensive regimen of you tragging a fake mouse or rat stuffed with peanunt butter while the dogs chase your bike. I'm thinking a good movie sports/special mission training montage, like Chariots of Fire or the Dirty Dozen.
As for the cat, the vbest way to get it to kill rodents is to tell it that under no circumstances whatsoever do you want it to kill a rodent. You'll have a pile of 'em on your duvet by morning.
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