Getting a spouse to admit to carrying on a tawdry affair is even more difficult if they aren’t actually having one. At first they will almost always deny it, but this is just because people don’t like to admit to things they haven’t done, typical really. What you need first is a good backstory.
Write some love letters to your spouse and then hide them where you’d be least likely to look for them, get a friend to call repeatedly and hang up when you answer, add a new phone number to your spouse’s phone then secretly charge up 50 calls and messages per day to it. Store the number as “Aunt Ruth”. Hide some strawberry flavoured condoms in their wallet or purse, especially if they hate strawberry so you can later claim everything they ever said to you was a lie. Once you’ve established a mountain of circumstantial evidence it’s time to go for the big finish.
Use high pressure electro-reversion therapy combined with a full course of memory inhibiting drugs and psychosis inducing strobe lights to gradually sway their point of view. This may take weeks, but you must be firm. Present them with the damning “evidence” and keep beating the fact of their infidelity into their weakened unconsciousness (try a phone book!). Eventually nothing but a husk of their former selves remains, they truly believe they have been unfaithful and finally ADMIT to the vile nature and pure selfishness of their cruel act.
And there you have it, success! Celebrate by taking them out for soup. Yum!
Write some love letters to your spouse and then hide them where you’d be least likely to look for them, get a friend to call repeatedly and hang up when you answer, add a new phone number to your spouse’s phone then secretly charge up 50 calls and messages per day to it. Store the number as “Aunt Ruth”. Hide some strawberry flavoured condoms in their wallet or purse, especially if they hate strawberry so you can later claim everything they ever said to you was a lie. Once you’ve established a mountain of circumstantial evidence it’s time to go for the big finish.
Use high pressure electro-reversion therapy combined with a full course of memory inhibiting drugs and psychosis inducing strobe lights to gradually sway their point of view. This may take weeks, but you must be firm. Present them with the damning “evidence” and keep beating the fact of their infidelity into their weakened unconsciousness (try a phone book!). Eventually nothing but a husk of their former selves remains, they truly believe they have been unfaithful and finally ADMIT to the vile nature and pure selfishness of their cruel act.
And there you have it, success! Celebrate by taking them out for soup. Yum!
2 comments:
btw the poem two posts down, which is pure nonsense, is currently ranked 203/645 in the Poetry category.
You're clearly losing it. But that's okay. I like this Skooky.
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