Horrible Cat Mutilation!

Here we see what’s become of poor Poly, the kitten who liked to poop in the laundry basket despite free access to the rest of the planet. Yes, we’ve had to have her stuffed and made into a handy thermometer. She also has LED flashing eyes and at 9pm each night her skull pops open and a tiny MC in a ruffled tuxedo does a ½ hour of blue jokes and a fair rendition of Mack The Knife. I was going to get a built-in radio but I thought that might be seen as tacky.

It’s not like we didn’t try to educate the poor thing. I pushed it through the cat door a dozen times each way. She got the idea straight off, but still the pooping…and the smell. God, that cat piss smell that you often find in the homes of those who have made poor choices so far in life. I’ve made plenty of bad choices, but until now I was still that last indicator away from the cover of Trailer and Park.

Then yon moggy started getting up on the benches at night and knocking the loaf of bread to the floor where she’d rip it open, chew up a few pieces and leave it. I don’t know if she thought she was killing bread and leaving it for our breakfast, or just pissed off I wouldn’t feed her a fourth time that day. I’m thinking the latter. Finally I got a mouse trap and wound a strip of towelling around the trap, not the whole trap just the springy thing which is also called the trap, so that it does not hurt. Ask P4, it got her this morning when she went to make toast. I set the trap on top of the bread and each night Polly would set it off and go running, but the first night I forgot she savaged half a loaf of wholegrain.

I must say the rest of the time she was very lovable and kind to others and had even been thinking of running for Pet Council. She was popular with the dogs who had a bet going on whether she was hollow inside or had a soft chewy centre. But we could smell this way no longer and there was nothing for it but to have the poor dear stuffed for our own amusement. Unfortunately the taxidermist was a little inexperienced. Well, I’d seen something about it on TV once. Anyway now there’s this other smell…


*the thermometer reads 32.4 Celsius, that’s 119F. I can’t keep doing this for you Americans. You really should catch up.