Monkey Mating

As you recall, Baboon X-1 was an Ethiopian baboon which are renowned trouble makers. In Addis Ababa gangs of baboons hoon around on motor scooters knocking the hats off old ladies and not always coming to a complete stop at Stop signs. I went ahead and armed one with laser beam eyes and learned my first important Baboon Army creation lesson: Don’t do that.

What was needed was a smarter, calmer baboon soldier. Now, I won’t say where I got this one from for fear of starting a nasty turf war with the Ethiopians, but it is of a different variety known more for their powers of logic and ability to tie most common knots. I was also most fortunate to come across an ad in the window of the little general store in the village. Among the dogs and horses and used ballerina costumes for sale, lawn mowing hopefuls and trusty babysitters, was a woman willing to teach chess to baboons. What are the odds? A baboon chess master this far from Russia and, it turns out, she’s only three houses down from me. I think she was a member of that cult, Heaven’s Gate or Shining Backyard or something…anyway she missed the big suicide day (mother died, ironically) and found herself cultless. What luck for the cause I say. I have retained her services for 6 months to teach my new baboon, indeed X-2, the finer points of the Queen's gambit declined semi-slav.

Here they are in my kitchen having a friendly game. Shortly after the picture was taken X-2 realized his flank was exposed too late and was mated…I’m pretty sure nobody in the history of language has ever said that before, which is not to say it doesn’t happen but I digress. Keep those cards and letters coming, next update when it happens.