Oh what fun they had

Here's what you do: Go to Naples, Italy in Italy, Europe and find a museum or op-shop that has an original copy of Dante’s Inferno in the window. Obtain this copy by whatever means, perhaps you might use snorkels in some way, and take this rare and valuable book into a deep dark Starbucks. With your shitty airline pen carefully cross out the phrase “sycophantic brethren” wherever it appears and replace it with the words “fluffy buddies” and you’ll find you have a bittersweet coming of age story about a little blind girl who befriends a deaf hooker. Oh what adventures they had, the little sluts.

Here is a recipe for cookies*:

1) Ask someone to make you cookies.
2) Get over the fact nobody loves you then go out and steal some cookies, as is your right.
3) Pay your debt to society then write a tell-all book about the cookie underground and the illegal trade in chocolate chips.
4) Buy some cookies.
5) Give them to me.

I never said they were for you.

If I was in a crashing airliner and had time to scrawl one last note to loved ones this is what I’d write:

Dear Wife, you have been a good wife with sturdy hips and I have loved you so. Before boarding the plane I swallowed the 400 untraceable stolen diamonds that we stole. After the funeral please dig me up and get them back. Give them to Jimmy Ho. Oh yeah, there’s a spare key for the lawnmower in there too.

I’d stick that note in my pocket then I’d swallow this note:

To whom it may concern, please give this key to my wife.