It is becoming apparent that my dream of raising a genetically engineered Baboon Army (with robot brains) is going to be more costly than I anticipated. DNA sequencers are not cheap! The one I got from Tandy is just not cutting it (little splicing joke there). I still can’t find a baboon supplier and the aquatic primates I purchased by mail order turned out to be brine shrimp, not monkeys at all. I mean that’s fine if you wanted an underwater Crustacean Army but it does me no good.So I’ve revised the plan and am now selling a limited number of places inside the Baboon Army Headquarters Compound, when it’s built. I need the following: A nerdy guy to run the computers, a woman in a leather cat suit who is good with grappling hooks, a large man made entirely of living stone, a little girl who can shoot microwaves from her eyes, and someone who likes to cook light meals with panache. I don’t really need any Mad Scientists, as they tend to take over, but I’ll accept a Mad Lab Technician (yes I know, you’re scientists too). I wonder if Beaker from The Muppets is working.
Should you be accepted, you will be guaranteed a place within the compound, protected by the Baboon Army from idiots, dickheads, jerks, ponces, flamin’ mongrels, mugs, Mormons, bureaucracies, democracies, autocracies, zealots, liberals, conservatives, people who walk too slowly, the words “bling” and "pimp", graven idols, pop idols, Billy Idol, idle gossip, and people who would call you “chief”.
To apply, simply leave a comment below with a few words on the topic “Why I am Not Annoying”
*slightly annoying people may be considered if they are very good looking which, although irritating, is not entirely their fault. Besides, they could easily be disfigured if need be.
13 comments:
Though I've built my reputation on my knife-wielding expertise, I have been known to shoot hate rays from my eyes. Which are close to microwaves, and equally as hot.
I'm also only 5'3" (that's 1.6 meters to you)...although I'm not sure if that's what you meant by "little" girl.
And I definitely need protection from Billy Idol and bike-riding-doorbell-ringing Mormons. I hope you'll consider my application!
by little girl I was thinking more of an eight year old with haunted eyes and a dark secret, who gained the ability to shoot forth microwaves after eating a re-heated hot-dog at a haunted fairground.
But I can always use a good weilder, so what the fuck. Your entry code is 2. Write it down then burn it.
I'm hawt.
Fin.
when I did the 'which-muppet-character-are-you test' i was beaker!
while I don't have the microwave eyes thing, I have been know to projectile vomit.
and have a way of saying 'that's fine' which sounds like f* off and die.
yes, well there'll be air-conditioning Swearing Lady, but can you grapple?
Beaker is in.
All girls so far. hmmm, the missus isn't gonna like it.
Your desirable criteria are a bit restrictive. What about those of us who are neither short, young, nor wonderful in leather? Leave us out to be eaten by the ponces?
Anyway, I apply. I am excellent with a pipette and can sequence your DNA whilst removing an ingrowing toenail. I also cook, but not at the same time as the toenails. Can I be the nerdy computer guy? I'll wear a wig.
Sandra: Hey, I never asked for short or young specifically, nor was there anything about looking "wonderful". All will be judged on merit alone!
Besides I was counting on you and Beaker joining because you are lab types. I have a little confession...I don't actually know anything about genetics! It's true! I couldn't splice a rope.
So as you see, you are needed and most welcome to join the team.
I grapple with my conscience on a daily basis. Is this sufficient?
Yay! Now we'll just have to construct a nooclear reactor from tin cans and duct tape, then we'll have enough power to get a sequencer fired up.
no need to be so formal Lady, your blog is very funny so clearly you are not annoying which was in fact the only criterium.
i want in....i do know a bit about computers and i weigh as much as a big rock....and if you want i will wear the leather cat suit with pride. i am mad alot of the time but i am no scientist
so....what do you say chief
can i have a spot too
i happen to be a certified evil master mind
eg: i will set up a very complicated machine that can bring about the end of the world with an easily accessable abort button on the machine it's self... but the button won't work.
see how evil i am?
Illidge in a leather cat suit. Good god, I hope it never comes to that. (there's a pic of Illidge way back in February somewhere)
No evil, Exile. It always turns out to be a hassle.
Doesn't matter, I have to let you two in or the missus will think I'm starting a harem. I said I wouldn't do that anymore.
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