Here's An Idea...

Sex offender Richard Thompson of Nebraska doesn’t have to go to jail because he’s only 5’1” tall. Ironically the judge believed Thompson himself was at risk of sexual assault in the prison system. Thompson was convicted of sexually assaulting two girls, daughters of his fiancé, and could have received ten years in jail. Instead the judge, stating Thompson would probably not survive in jail due to his stature, gave the pedophile ten years probation and barred him from being near minors or dating women with minor children. What the hell's up with that?

Thompson avoided jail because he was not equally matched. So why doesn’t the US penal system start grouping prisoners by height and weight? Hell why not train them to fight too. Then they could have live gladiatorial games, hosted by a hologram of Kirk Douglas, where you at home can vote by SMS. “…press 3111 for Thumbs Up, or 3112 for Thumbs Down - VOTE NOW!”. And at 75 cents per vote, the system would pay for itself - with money left over to build even more prisons, making room for more celebrities, which would in turn increase ratings. It’s perfect.

We’ve got a great match for you tonight, Richard Thompson of Nebraska, a pedophile and unusually short man (booooo!) vs. Michelle Rodriguez of TV’s Lost (hooraaaaay!). Although equally matched in weight, Michelle towers over Richard and is reported to hate men with cheesy mustaches. Tonight we’re doing our Tribute To Star Trek and Michelle looks stunning as an alien warrior princess. For weaponry she’s chosen the Romulan Battle Blade, Klingon Impaling Rod and a set of garden sheers for close-in work.

Thompson will be playing the evil Captain Kirk and has been given six inches of wet yarn with which to defend himself. Ladies and gentlemen, this word just in…the President has turned off the No Castration sign…castration will be allowed in tonight’s match…and we’re ready to begin!